Let’s get real about loneliness: it sucks, big time!
And it's a tough topic to discuss, even though we've all dealt with it in some shape or form, especially over the past year during the pandemic lockdowns. It's also tough for me to talk about it because I've struggled with it for most of my life. I moved across the country twice over the past 25 years, so I've had to learn to adapt to a new place and completely start over. I have an amazing family and a solid small group of friends, but the majority of my time has been spent alone. Thankfully, over the past 7 years, I've had my dog, Reesee to keep me company.
Dr. Sue Varma, a board certified psychiatrist, mentions, "The problem with loneliness is that it causes us to withdraw and it activates a lot of our negative distortions." Unfortunately, this means we put ourselves down and also blame other people for our loneliness, which in turn, makes us feel even worse. I can definitely attest to experiencing these feelings, but I will admit that at the same time, I've learned to better appreciate the time I've spent by myself and not see it as such a negative situation, so my self-worth has grown.
The truth is, we all don’t make enough room for each other anymore. That important healing and energizing person-to-person connection has been mostly replaced with online connections. We make time to share life online, and comment and like what others share, but who do we consistently call to check in with other than maybe a few close family members and friends? And how often do we really connect in person? We've become more comfortable with being social online than in person and we don't reach out as often as we could.
The most tragic thing about loneliness is when it leads to depression, and even more tragic, suicide. I lost a very dear cousin to suicide back in 2007, and it crushes me whenever I hear about those who have lost their battle with life. The past year of increased isolation has caused even more depression from loneliness, and both suicides and suicide attempts went up drastically. Last July, CDC Director Robert Redfield shared that among high schoolers, "we're seeing, sadly, far greater suicides now than we are deaths from COVID," and specifically, from drug overdoses. This information comes from all the emails and calls that went through mental illness or crisis hotlines. From last March through August, there was a 65% increase in calls and emails. And by November, the Crisis Text Line had its highest volume of calls, 180,000, and 90% of those calls came from those under 35 years old.
Let's admit, the news we all heard focused so much more on the virus cases and deaths than the devastating impact the lockdowns had on mental health. I wish there was more that could have been done to take care of that group under 35, to prioritize connections instead of isolation. I still have hope though and there's still much to be done.
When I was researching ways to cope and manage feelings of loneliness, I found some valuable tips, including self-care, sharing those feelings with support groups, and making new connections with others. I found this last tip to be the most profound, as explained by another gem from Dr. Sue Varma: "One of the antidotes of loneliness is actually to reach out and do what's counterintuitive." So, she is saying that if we attempt to reverse those negative feelings of loneliness by reaching out, we can actually create a positive experience for someone else that in turn, helps us remedy our loneliness too. We can lead the way in shining our joy to others by showing our support, even in the midst of our own lonely feelings.
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you Even if we're breaking down We can find a way to break through Even if we can't find Heaven I'll walk through Hell with you Love, you're not alone 'Cause I'm gonna stand by you
-Lyrics from "Stand By You," performed by Rachel Platten, from Wildfire album, 2015
This song is so incredibly moving because it shows the power of reaching out and supporting each other in our loneliness. It's so important for us all to know that we are not alone, even though it may feel that way sometimes. There's so much joy to be found from in-person connections, and setting aside time for others, no matter how big or small that effort is, as it keeps those connections strong. It's what helps make us resilient because we are fostering a sense of community. We’ve lost that sense of community in a drastic way over the past 20 years, and I’ve felt the heaviness of it myself. The more time we spend with others will be less time spent on our devices and social media. There will be more opportunities for shared joy and to fully express who we are. And, there will be more boldness, vulnerability, and spontaneity because we are not hiding behind our lonely devices.
My friends, I encourage us all to get connected more often with others. We can't let the usual distractions of life take us away from the connections that matter the most. We were meant to have and enjoy the community of others.
Shine on!
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